![Darlene Lancer](/img/default-banner.jpg)
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Darlene Lancer
United States
Приєднався 10 кві 2012
Videos on relationships, codependency, and self-esteem. Get tools for change. Follow my monthly blog at www.whatiscodependency.com, where you can get free "14 Tips for Letting Go" and other free reports. Listen to audio interviews and seminars at clyp.it/u/darlenelancer. Follow Darlene on Facebook at codependencyrecovery, Google+, and Twitter @darlenelancer
Trauma and Abuse Recovery
Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books.
Interviewed by David Jacks of the Trauma Recovery Summit.
WEBSITE: www.whatiscodependency.com Subscribe and get a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go"
Follow Darlene's blog at www.whatiscodependency.com/blog
BOOKS: "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist" is for sale in stores and online buff.ly/3K4RyKM
"Codependency for Dummies" is for sale in stores and at amzn.to/1BBcrWO
"Conquering Shame and Codependency" is for sale in stores and at amzn.to/37fueWd
Find 7 workbooks, plus audio and video products at www.whatiscodependency.com
If you found this video helpful, please share it, and don't forget to leave your comments and connect with Darlene on...
SOCIAL MEDIA:
Twitter: @darlenelancer
Facebook: codependency...
Instagram: darlenelanc...
And don't forget to "thumbs up" this video and share it on Facebook and with anyone you think may be interested!
Copyright, Darlene Lancer, 2022
Interviewed by David Jacks of the Trauma Recovery Summit.
WEBSITE: www.whatiscodependency.com Subscribe and get a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go"
Follow Darlene's blog at www.whatiscodependency.com/blog
BOOKS: "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist" is for sale in stores and online buff.ly/3K4RyKM
"Codependency for Dummies" is for sale in stores and at amzn.to/1BBcrWO
"Conquering Shame and Codependency" is for sale in stores and at amzn.to/37fueWd
Find 7 workbooks, plus audio and video products at www.whatiscodependency.com
If you found this video helpful, please share it, and don't forget to leave your comments and connect with Darlene on...
SOCIAL MEDIA:
Twitter: @darlenelancer
Facebook: codependency...
Instagram: darlenelanc...
And don't forget to "thumbs up" this video and share it on Facebook and with anyone you think may be interested!
Copyright, Darlene Lancer, 2022
Переглядів: 237
Відео
Codependency, Narcissism, Shame
Переглядів 3892 місяці тому
Watch my interview with VIrgin.Beauty.Bitch hosts about codependency and narcissism, the childhood roots of each, the impact of shame, and how to heal codependency. Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 mor...
Narcissists, Sociopaths, Shame, and Codependency
Переглядів 5284 місяці тому
Mystic Pete (KXLU.com) interview (plus Powerpoint) of Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books. WEBSITE: www.whatiscodependency.com Subscribe and get a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go" Follow D...
Leaving a Narcissistic or Abusive Relationship
Переглядів 1,2 тис.7 місяців тому
Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books. WEBSITE: www.whatiscodependency.com Subscribe and get a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go" Follow Darlene's blog at www.whatiscodependency.com/blog BOOKS...
The Overlap Between Narcissism and Codependency
Переглядів 1,2 тис.8 місяців тому
Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, interviewed by Les Carter, PhD discussing the origin, similarity, attraction, and dynamics between narcissists and codependents. Lancer is the author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books. WEBSITE: www.what...
Interviewed by Mariel Hemmingway on Narcissistic and Passive Aggressive People
Переглядів 1,7 тис.Рік тому
Interview with Mariel Hemmingway and Melissa Yamaguchi about the dynamics of relationships with narcissists and passive-aggressive people and how to change them. Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more b...
Signs and Symptoms of Codependency and Narcissism and the Effect of Shame
Переглядів 1,5 тис.Рік тому
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Darlene Lancer, is the author of: "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships." buff.ly/3DZ6vNI "Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You" ttps://amzn.to/37fueWd "Codependency for Dummies" amzn.to/2BOTDZO For a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go," see...
Discussion about the Mind, Motivation and Behavior of Narcissists in Relationships
Переглядів 1,2 тис.Рік тому
Interview with Kevin McDonald of Positive Talk Radio Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books. WEBSITE: www.whatiscodependency.com Subscribe and get a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go" Follow Da...
The Danger of a Covert Narcissist
Переглядів 3,2 тис.Рік тому
Interview with James Bonato about Covert Narcissism Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books. Read more about Covert Narcissists: original.newsbreak.com/@darlene-lancer-lmft-1590535/2830317236370-th...
How to Set Boundaries
Переглядів 2,4 тис.Рік тому
Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books. WEBSITE: www.whatiscodependency.com Subscribe and get a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go" Follow Darlene's blog at www.whatiscodependency.com/blog BOOKS...
3 Recovery Exercises for Self-Love, Confidence, and Relaxation
Переглядів 28 тис.Рік тому
Codependency Recovery Exercises to develop self-love and confidence and to soothe anxiety. For FREE "14 Tips on Letting Go" and more info, blogs, interviews, and books, see www.whatiscodependency.com. Get the Self-Love Meditation and Self-nurturing tips.
Codependency in Narcissists and Their Partners
Переглядів 3,6 тис.2 роки тому
Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books. Interview with author Tracy Malone WEBSITE: www.whatiscodependency.com Subscribe and get a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go" Follow Darlene's blog at ww...
Codependency: A Lost Self
Переглядів 3,8 тис.2 роки тому
Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books. WEBSITE: www.whatiscodependency.com Subscribe and get a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go" Follow Darlene's blog at www.whatiscodependency.com/blog BOOKS...
The Mind and Behavior of a Narcissist and Steps to Recovery
Переглядів 8862 роки тому
Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books is interviewed by Joshua Stuart WEBSITE: www.whatiscodependency.com Subscribe and get a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go" Follow Darlene's blog at www.wh...
The Narcissist's Mind and Behavior and Codependency Recovery
Переглядів 1,4 тис.2 роки тому
Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships,” "Codependency for Dummies," and 8 more books. WEBSITE: www.whatiscodependency.com Subscribe and get a FREE copy of "14 Tips for Letting Go" Follow Darlene's blog at www.whatiscodependency.com/blog BOOKS...
Recovery Today: Codependency and Shame Underlie Narcissism and Addiction
Переглядів 1,3 тис.2 роки тому
Recovery Today: Codependency and Shame Underlie Narcissism and Addiction
Common Symptoms and Boundaries of Codependents and Narcissists
Переглядів 3,3 тис.2 роки тому
Common Symptoms and Boundaries of Codependents and Narcissists
The Forces that Drive Narcissism and Codependency
Переглядів 1,3 тис.2 роки тому
The Forces that Drive Narcissism and Codependency
The Link Between Shame, Codependency, and Narcissism
Переглядів 4,3 тис.2 роки тому
The Link Between Shame, Codependency, and Narcissism
Reclaiming Your Power in Narcissistic Relationships
Переглядів 2 тис.2 роки тому
Reclaiming Your Power in Narcissistic Relationships
Signs of Codependency & Steps to Recover - The Mind Journal
Переглядів 13 тис.2 роки тому
Signs of Codependency & Steps to Recover - The Mind Journal
Signs and Symptoms of Narcissism and Codependency
Переглядів 1,1 тис.2 роки тому
Signs and Symptoms of Narcissism and Codependency
Relationships with Narcissists From Dating to Leaving
Переглядів 2,1 тис.2 роки тому
Relationships with Narcissists From Dating to Leaving
The Dynamics of Relationships with Narcissists
Переглядів 9182 роки тому
The Dynamics of Relationships with Narcissists
Shame, Addiction and Codependency in the Family
Переглядів 1,2 тис.2 роки тому
Shame, Addiction and Codependency in the Family
How to Recognize a Narcissist and Respond
Переглядів 1,4 тис.3 роки тому
How to Recognize a Narcissist and Respond
Thank you!
WOW.
Feels like being unloved and unwanted. It caused me to over give in the hopes of being loved back.
Yes, but can be very subtle. Parents can say I love you and provide for you but lack empathy and shame you in subtle ways, as described in my book, "Conquering Shame and Codependency."
Extremely enlightening. One of the best discussions on the topic I've seen online.
What's up with the background noise? geez.
Sorry about that. I didn't control the recording
so helpful. I'm listening to your podcasts on repeat. you have changed my life.
Thank you for letting me know. Have you read my book, "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships." buff.ly/3DZ6vNI ?
Let Darlene talk for God's sake
Stop yelling.
I was interested in the subject, but the acoustics are very bad and I don't know English well enough. So I didn't understand much, disappointing for me.
Sorry about that. Listen to my videos on shame and read this blog: whatiscodependency.com/what-is-self-esteem-raise-self-esteem/ You can get the Sef Esteem seminar: whatiscodependency.com/product/how-to-raise-your-self-esteem/
You say the narcassist projects the inner critic onto others then you say some with personality disorders or codependents are sensitive to criticism which is infact a form of abuse . Codependents don't want to just bask in the limelight of the narcassist they think the can care for and fix people to recieve internal validation so they can feel like a good person . Self love is to do with acceptance including flaws and realising humans are not perfect as some might believe . Yet when you are sacrificing yourself to care while you are being abused that's a bit toxic if you did have self love you wouldn't accept abuse thats not self love .
Correct. That is why people with underlying shame and low self-esteem bond with abusers (who also carry shame). People with hi self-esteem would not sacrifice their needs and self-respect. Both codependents and narcissists are sensitive to criticism because of lack of self-love. Narcissists react with rage, whereas codependents usually absorb the criticism as true. Grandiose narcissists don't present as needing help, but covert narcissists and people with BPD and addicts often due, which attracts caretakers.
I’m in a state of pure pain and shock. I am a shell of who I am. I need serious help. The discard is brutal.
I'm so sorry. Do get support. Listen to my seminar "Breakup Recovery" bit.ly/1tnSKRT
@@DarleneLancerthank you so much. I will listen.
@@agibby4848 Yes, it is. But deeper understanding of a narcissist, as explained in my book, will help you realize that this behavior is not personal, but predictable given a narcissist's constant need to manage their fragile ego.
Do you have ideas on setting boundaries with a boss, the CFO!? Yikes, fine line there. It's tough to work for someone who is not only professionally incompetent, and also personally incompetent. A lot of these rights that are listed cannot be applicable in a work environment.
Yes, it's tough and also depends on your boss' personality. You do have human rights, such as to be treated fairly and with respect, and several legal rights to relevant information, privacy, safety, reasonable working hours, medical leave, etc. It's not a good idea to bring feelings or emotions into the discussion, but using Strategic Transactional Communication as described in my book, "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist" can work. Let your boss know that his/her behavior impairs your performance in a way that benefits the company's goals. If it's only their incompetence, you may have to adjust your expectations and/or diplomatically ask if you may make suggestions.
Very good and also helpful and supporting talk. Sharp questions, very wise answers. ❤ Darlene Lancer is one of the top experts on this topic. Sooooo very helpful for many many people, me included. Thnx again! 😊
Always helpful, thank you.
This was so chaotic, integrating the web chat was so confusing
"You accept the amount of abuse you give yourself" ...damn
good topic very interesting but just a suggestion, could you remove the icicle twinkle lights in the background.
Sorry. It's too lat for that. Sorry it's distracting
Codependency ( one version , and a very great one ) : “someone’s who’s thinking and behavior revolves around something other then themselves - Darlene Lancer 🙏
Well spoken!!!
The point of an interview is to elicit information from the subject. Lilli talked more than Darlene. Her non questions were about expounding her personal issues and "knowledge." This was a missed opportunity to learn from Darlene, a forerunner in the nascent area of codependency therapy. Lilli definitely filled my dislike tank.
What if speaking your mind means ur trying to give advice on something in the workplace that could be better LOL 😂
Part of learning to be assertive means you use I statements and talk about yourself and your feelings and needs. When you don't your communications aren't effective. But there are ways to say the same thing constructively. See whatiscodependency.com/6-keys-to-assertive-communication/ Practice the steps and exercises in "How to Be Assertive" whatiscodependency.com/product/how-to-be-assertive/
If a true narcissist cannot: empathize, see you as a person with feelings, control their reactions when they perceive criticism, is there ever enough in the relationship to make the partner feel that it is worth it to continue? I mean, I don't want to have to explain to a grown man WHY it's important for him to come to the hospital if my relative is near death. Seems like a controlled form of codependency, in which the partner is continually adapting to the narc in order to obtain the most basic level of reciprocity. Whole lot of exhaustive, additional one-sided work.
A very good question. First narcissism is on a continuum. Some people with NPD have all 9 required symptoms and they're severe + aggression (not a symptom) and they may have sociopathic symptoms, too, like breaking the law, no remorse, callousness, dishonesty. Other narcissists may only have the minimum of 5 traits and they may not be severe. Moreover, narcissists can learn to control their reactions and not be abusive, when the steps in my book are followed. They can have cognitive but not emotional empathy and can understand when feelings are explained to them - if you make it worth their while, which I also address in my book. Finally, all partners differ. To some people, emotional intimacy is a high priority, but others prioritize financial security, their independence, or lifestyle. Learn more here: original.newsbreak.com/@darlene-lancer-lmft-1590535/3346096282166-the-difference-between-most-narcissists-and-a-psychopathic-narcissist
@@DarleneLancer Thank you for your response and the information.
I like the slot machine, addictive analogy, as a codependent son to a narcissistic mother who became widowed in my childhood. My survival was to lean into the rescuer role and support my mother - be her counsellor, her gardener, her surrogate on vacations. There was no-one else around and I couldn't bear to see her so unwell and unhappy on her own. Extremely vulnerable and childlike. My sister took all the abuse and was scapegoated. Her life is ruined, sadly. I am waking up to this now at 45. I always knew it was dysfunctional but ran away to find myself. But it's not until you get therapy you can really find that person, that child, who started disappearing around the age of 8 or 9.
I'm so glad you found help. Read this blog: www.msn.com/en-us/news/other/how-narcissistic-mothers-damage-their-sons/ar-BB1lsOKI?
@@DarleneLancer thank you. All of those points ring true to greater or lesser degrees. Having lost my Dad at 12, I accepted quite quickly that I was on my own as the 'man of the house' with no accessible family nearby. I think that empowered me somehow but I also had a loving family in another country who I lived with for almost a year. That's what saved me, I think. And not going back to live with her but move to the city. However, a mother doesn't change! We just have to accept that she isn't right in the head and she herself suggests something happened in a hospital when she was tiny. Of course, all the family are frustrated with her and when I left I was guilt tripped into staying with her 'because she will miss me'. It was very normal that everyone around me said 'you need to be there for your Mother'. Even my Dad left that sentiment in a note to me before he passed of terminal cancer. So the set up was always there. And it was a form of survival. Perhaps society needs more education and awareness on appropriate parental boundaries and what to do in single parent families?
Thank you for sharing. I suggest reading more on my website, www.whatiscodependency.com, and in my books. Subscribe to my blog.
@@DarleneLancer Thank you Darlene, I appreciate it ☺
Yes they come accross as loving, modest, compassionate people. I was just dating 1. I got shock when out of the blue this lovely person started to gaslight me, lying, denying making victim out of himself etc.very vindictive.But he called me tough cookie because I was not falling for all the nonsense. So he said he doesn't want to be with me anyways. I think Narcissism is the worst personality disorder.Narcissists should form relationships with another narcissts
Don't take his comments to heart, because narcissists always need to have the last word and put you down to preserve their ego. You dodged a bullet!
@@DarleneLancer yes no big loss!Looking fareward to read your book. It seems he is scared of me
So how do you get the shame out of the body? Do you tap? Is it journaling? What can be done?
Good question. My book on shame is 1/3 exercises. Tapping can be helpful in the moment, but it's important to find its roots, spot it when it's happening, comfort your wounded self, and change your belief system. See also my blog, Healing the Wounded Child. It's best to work with a trauma-informed therapist.
Are 12 step programs really that important, out of curiosity? I've read in your book and John Bradshaw's that they are but... I look at them and it's like. "Admitting you're powerless" and expecting a "higher power" to deal with it... Isn't that just shame repackaged? It feels to me like it's disempowering the individual?
I read your book, conquering shame and codependency. Firstly it's the first book I've managed to finish in over 10 years, on top of that it was a non-fiction book which I was never big on reading when I can. It's been helping a lot and has helped me with massive changes in a very short amount of time. Thank you so much for writing it. It was confronting at times but extremely helpful.
I'm very grateful. Thank you.
Omg I think this is why I keep self sabotaging🤦🏻♂️
This is wonderful. Thank you for breaking it down into parts that I can dive more deeply into.
Sometimes when i am socializing or engage with a certain person, or when someone is trying to get "close" to me, or maybe I am revealing certain personal information about myself, I begin to shake/shiver/tremble. I don't know what my body is trying to tell me. What does it mean? Is my body trying to alert me that the person is bad? Or do I need to stay with the feeling?
I just divorced an alcoholic 3. months ago.He won't talk to me I'm grieving he hasn't blown me but I've texted him for 40 days and he won't respond he's spread rumors about me and he's living with a very unattractive woman by a liquor store.He has heart failure implanted defibulator 9 yrs married
What is the name of her book?
Codependency for Dummies amzn.to/1BBcrWO; Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You amzn.to/37fueWd
Why does she keep interrupting! Can someone set a boundary with her, please!
I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder due to Childhood Traumas. I've been shot at with a box of bullets, starved, molested, beaten, and neglected. All before I was 8. How do I fix me? I've never been loved and now am contemplating suicide. Can you help me learn to love me?
Good job ladies!
I appreciate your effort to have a discussion with Darlene but please stop side tracking the discussion by constantly interjecting with remarks about how you are stalking her or that she is directing the conversation. As a listener it is distracting from the actual topic of conversation which is complex and demands attention. Thank you.
Please, do another program ! The way you interact is prieceless !
There are many more on my UA-cam channel, and podcasts as well at whatiscodependency.com/how-to-overcome-codependency-low-self-esteem/
Thank you for the resource - Dating, Loving and Leaving a Narcissist
Thank you
I often struggle with codependency with my young children which limits my ability to show them true love which is not spurred by fear and anxiety. On my good days, I am not reactive and I see my children flourish. Listening to these exercises, I felt myself shift back into a good state and I do not feel as fear of mistakes as I was earlier today. Very grateful! I did not expect it!
Find more on my website, including a self-love meditation.
Well explained to understand codependency for me :)
Learn more on my website blogs and podcasts.
The codependats predicament. So in need of love too, Then bestow upon to you. The lust passion desire, To worship follow admire The wants hopes dreams, To thoughts pains screams. The voice opinion need, To wait serve plead. The doubt dread fears, To heartache dispair tears. So in need of love too, Then bestow upon to you. All except the breathe, In a lonely deathless death. .